JOKES for WOMEN

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river.  They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. 

The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river. " Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."  Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools and the intelligence to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman.  She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple hundred yards and walked across the bridge.

 

THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG (Revised)
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself, "I don't think so."

 

True story:  I published the following joke in my neighborhood newsletter in March, 2005.  A fellow from RSM by the name of Frank called and left a voice mail on our office line, saying that the joke was sexist and offensive.  He was SO mad!  The next day, 24 hours later, he was still stewing over how offensive and upsetting this joke is, and he called my agent, Lisa Hannegan (since her phone number was on the newsletter) and chewed her out.

People are weird.

A GOOD TRADE
     Sally was driving home a trip in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Indian woman walking on the side of the road. She stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride.  With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.  Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the woman, but the old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
     "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
     Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine.  I got it for my husband."
     The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.   Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."
 

THE PERFECT DRESS
     The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Allison's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother Susan finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!
     A week later, Allison was horrified to learn her new young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million in it!" Allison told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's YOUR special day, not hers."
     Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Allison asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place to wear it." Susan grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"


BUMPER STICKERS FOR LADIES 

Behind every successful woman is herself. 

Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels. 

A woman is like a teabag...you don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water. 

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. 

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH. 

DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN. 

I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE. 

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN. 

 

AN E-MAIL CHAIN LETTER
Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. Within 2 weeks, you will receive 15,625 men. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men, of whom four were worth keeping. 
Remember, this chain letter brings luck. One woman's cat died, and the next day she received a hunk. An unmarried woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose between a Chippendale dancer and an Olympic swimmer.
You can be lucky, too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One woman broke the chain and got her own husband back again!
Let's keep it going! Just add your name to the list below!
1. Hillary Clinton, Chappaqua, NY

Note:  I sent this to a former client who moved to Arizona, and she sent it back saying she was sorry, she doesn't participate in chain letters.



It is good to be a woman:

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder.

3. Taxis stop for us.

4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

5. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the Speedo.

6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.

9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.

13. We will never regret piercing our ears.

14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

 

INNER PEACE 
I think I have found inner peace. I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things I had started.  Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a bottle of wine and a small box of chocolate candy. I feel better already. 

 

THE DEAD MAN 
     There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money; he was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." 
     He made his wife promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. He died; he was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting by her.  
     When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.  
     So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The wife said, "Listen, I'm a woman of my word. I promised him that I would put that money in the casket with him, and I intend to keep my promise."  
   "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"  
     "I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."




Women’s faults are many, but men have only two – the things they say and the things they do.  

God made man and then she was sorry!  

 
     Four married guys go fishing.  After an hour, the following conversation took  place:
    
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
     Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
     Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will  remodel the kitchen for her."
     They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said  a  word.  So they asked him: You haven't said anything about what you  had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.  What's the deal?"

 
     Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:00 A.M. When it went off, I shut off my  alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex?" and she said, "Wear a warm sweater."
 

ANOTHER TRUE STORY:  Some guy called the office after I published the following in my newsletter and said these two jokes were terribly offensive.  I wonder if it was Frank?

Eve & adam

     And God created woman, and said, “This is good, I shall name you Eve.”
     Eve looked at herself in the reflection of a clear stream and said, “God, you have given me two eyes, two arms, two legs… but why did you give me three breasts?”
     God thought about it, and said, “You’re right, two would look better.”  So God removed the third breast and threw it in the bushes.
     After a time, Eve said, “God, I’m lonely.”  And God said, “Then I shall make you a mate to provide companionship… now… let’s see… what should I make him with?  Hmmm… where is that useless boob I threw in the bushes?”  And God created man.

 ADAM & EVE

   Adam was in the garden of Eden, relaxing and enjoying life, when God came to him and said, "You look lonely, would you like some company?"  Adam said. "Yes that would be nice."  God said, "Well, let me take of one of your legs and I'll make someone from it who will love you, obey your every word, and devote her life to you and you alone."
     Adam thought for a minute then said, "I think I need both of my legs to tend this beautiful garden, can you do something else?"  God said, "With an arm I can make someone for you who will be a great companion, will be a true friend, and very trust worthy."
     Adam thought for another minute then replied, "I think I need both of my arms in order to tend this beautiful garden you have given me."
    Both God and Adam paused.  Then Adam said, "What can I get for a rib?" 

 

 

 

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