Jokes for Catholics (or jokes ABOUT Catholics)

 

THE POPE, THE LIMO AND THE COP
      After getting all his luggage loaded in the limo, and His Holiness doesn't travel light, the the limo driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.  "Hey, Mr. Pope.." says the driver, "Why have you not seated yourself in this excellent limo?"
     "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive."
     "That is very much against the rules!" protests the driver, wishing he'd never left Calcutta.
     "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope, looking skyward.
     Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope gets in behind the wheel. He quickly regrets his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerates the limo to 105 mph.  "Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal.  Then they hear the siren.
     "Oh, my God, now I am surely losing my license," moans the driver.
     The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
     "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatch. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
     "So bust him," said the Chief.
     "I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.
     "All the more reason."
     "No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.
     "What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"
     "Bigger," replied the cop.
     "The Governor?"
     "Bigger."
     "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
     "I don't know", said the cop, "but he's got the Pope driving for him."

 

     Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
     He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
     She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." 
     The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.  Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
     She says, "That he did, Father.."
     The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
     She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that gun...'



TAX DEDUCTIBLE DONATION
Father O'Malley answers the phone, "Hello?"
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"Yes it is."
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"Yes, I can."
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"Yes, I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"Yes, he is."
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"Yes, he will."

     George went on a vacation with his family and his mother-in-law to Jerusalem.  Sadly, during their vacation, George's Mother-in-law died.
     With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial.   The Consul told George that sending the body back to the United States for burial was very expensive.  It could cost him $10,000.  The Consul told him, "In most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem .  This costs just $150."
     George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."   
     The Consul says, "You must have loved your Mother-in-law  very much, considering the enormous cost."
     "No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem .  On the third day he arose from the dead.  I just can't take that chance.
 

THE IRISH DAUGHTER
An Irish daughter returned home after five years away.  Upon her return, her father said, "Where have you been all this time?  Why didn't you write us?  Why didnít you call?  Your mum has been worried sick!Ē 
The girl replied, "Dad, I became a prostitute."
"WHAT? You shameless harlot!  Sinner!  You're a disgrace to this family.  I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad, as you wish.  I just came back to give mum this fur coat and the deed to a new house.  For my brother, this gold Rolex.  And for you, daddy, this new Mercedes Limited Edition Convertible thatís parked outside.  But Iíll leave now, if you wish.
Her Father says, "Now what was it you said you had become?"
The girl, crying, replied, ďA prostitute.Ē
"Oh Bejesus!   You scared me half to death, girl!  I thought you said 'a Protestant'.  Come here and give your old dad a hug!"  

 

FISH AND CHIPS
A nun visits a monastery in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had.
After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.
She is met by two brothers, "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."
"I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"
Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"
"Yes, Sister, I'm the chip monk."



GOING TO HEAVEN
Father Murphy walks into a bar and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. ďThen stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Brien and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Brien said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Brien said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."



TIME FOR CHURCH
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."
His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church. One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the pastor!"


    
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there.
     Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
     The drunk mumbles, "...ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either".
 

     A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?" 
     Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." 
     Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?" 
     Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"
 

BLESSED HORSE
Mitch, a Methodist, would sneak off to the race track. One day he was betting on the ponies, when he noticed a priest who stepped onto the track and blessed the forehead of a horse lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse, a long shot, won the race.
Mitch watched the next race. Sure enough, the priest stepped onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up and placed his blessing on the forehead of a horse.
Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a bet on the horse. Again, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest
showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses and they always came in first.
At the last race, the priest stepped onto the track and touched the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch bet every cent he had, and watched the horse come in dead last.
Dumbfounded, Mitch made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings!"
The priest shook his head and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants. You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.
 

      God is sitting in heaven when a scientist prays to Him.
 
     "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."
 
    "Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.
     "Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breath life into it, thus creating man."
     "Well, that's very interesting, show Me."
     So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil
into the shape of a man.
     "No, no, no
," interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."


 

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